Blogging with Aloha

I haven’t forgotten about our blog... it’s just that every time I finish a post it sounds really mean and doesn’t convey the sense of Aloha I wish to share. However, because I'm slightly busy and extremely lazy, here are the posts from last week that never made it up:

POST 1.

Let's face it: some people are dim. What follows are true stories of dim people.

3:00 in the morning. July 9th. Emergency Room.

Chris: "Sir, I understand you were kicked in the testicles?"

ER patient: "The whut?"

Chris: "You were kicked in the gonads, sir?"

ER patient: "Go-nads? Huh?"

Chris (of course still trying to be as polite as possible): "THE BALLS, sir, did you get kicked in THE BALLS?"

ER patient: "Well yeah I got kicked in the balls!"


Same day. Art Gallery.

Me: "I see you're admiring Jeff’s hand-blown glass vases."

Customer: "Yes. The round ones are beautiful. But how do you keep them from rolling off of the shelf?"

Me (with the same look my dog makes when trying to understand the English language): "I'm sorry?"

Customer: "How do you keep the round vases from rolling right off of the shelf?"

Me (still unsure where this is headed): "They have a flat bottom."

Customer: "Really? How clever!"

Poor lady! She knew all about the invention of the wheel but forgot about the wonderful flatness that preceded it. She must have a terrible time at home with all of her vases rolling off their shelves!

POST II: The Hawaiian DMV

Chris and I both have our Hawaiian licenses now! And apparently, the Hawaiian DMV is the proud owner of a new license-printing system that (and I quote from the honolulu.gov website) prints “more accurately colored photos with no more sunburned look.”

This made me chuckle and snicker. The poor, foolish sucker that ordered this new system just wasted a ton of money! It’s not the system that’s giving everyone a sunburned look - it’s because the system is TAKING PICTURES OF THE SUNBURNED PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN HAWAII. Seriously.

By the way... are you aware of the difference between a “School Crossing” sign and a “School” sign?



Pretty tricky, DMV, pretty tricky.

But hey, wait a minute, those aren’t children!

Just WHO is making these signs? And are they even remotely aware of who actually ATTENDS school? When I was in the third grade, I don’t remember my classmates as melon-headed businessmen with briefcases and lesbians with clutch purses... or are those really beaver tails? And truly, would it have killed the DMV cartoonist to add feet and hands?

Maybe if the good folks at the DMV had attended a school themselves they would have thought to correspond the printed image with the idea the sign should ultimately convey... you know... maybe draw a little schoolhouse to correspond with the idea of “School.” Instead, the DMV went with the rendition of Steve Carell corralling Britney Spears - possibly in a rush to get to a beaver convention - that now graces our national roadways. Interesting choice.